233.8 lbs

I really need to start measuring my arms and upper abdomen because it still seems that my legs are getting thinner and my upper body is not. However, last night I wore a dress that I hadn't worn in a while. I couldn't fill it out anymore! So maybe my upper body or at least breasts are getting smaller. The cardigan I wore really doesn't fit anymore either. Think I'm going to have to stop wearing it and find another or just go without one, which is a huge change of pace for me since I usually always wear it with something with barely-there sleeves.

I'm glad that I'm getting smaller, and have gotten a few new clothes, but I can't afford a whole new wardrobe. I was thinking of asking my mom if she had any dresses I could have since she doesn't wear them anymore.

I have several goals I want to reach. My ultra mini goal is 230. My mini goal is 220. My goal is 199. My ultimate goal is 170. And my 'might not never reach it goal' 130. I really only care about getting to my ultimate goal, because I don't know if I've been 130 since grade school.

So, I've almost met my ultra mini goal. I decided that if I reach 230 by April 17 that I would buy myself some platform heels, but I don't know if my feet can handle that, lol. Also I doubt it because I tried some cheap ones on the other day and I'm pretty sure I felt the heel break. Oops!

Anyway, getting to 233 has really motivated me. Just when I feel like I can't make another lap down the track, I lose more weight and get really motivated. Yesterday I was walking tall at the track. It felt good. I felt good. It's not that I don't like it, it just gets boring at times. Sometimes it makes me feel really lonely. But I do like being alone with my thoughts and feeling the fresh air and sun.

I possibly feel some changes around the corner in our life. Like, big changes. I'm just apprehensive about how this is going to affect my weight loss. I don't deal with stress well. My whole life I've dealt with every good/bad/and other thing in my life by eating. Bingeing took away the pain and celebrated the happiness. It numbed me out when I needed it the most. But that's not how I can deal with life anymore. I can't fall back on old habits just because I'm busy. I guess I don't trust myself. Why should I? I've never been successful with weight loss until now, and I'm walking on eggshells. I'm literally afraid of food. I have dreams where I've eaten a whole pie or something and totally blew my diet. I don't know how to learn to trust myself. I don't think it's been enough time yet. I can't mindlessly eat healthy, yet. It's a constant battle. Not so much with willpower, but with remembering that something is too high carb or high calorie. It's a learning process that I haven't mastered yet and until then, I have to really watch myself. So, hopefully if we do decide to go down this path, I can keep everything under control.

I only have a little over a month till I go back to the doctor. I really hope that my A1C test comes out good. Weight loss itself is not enough. I've got to get my sugar under control. It's not where I want it to be, but it's not way out of control. At least I don't think so. I will just have to find out at the doctor I guess.